Today I feel like I will never not be broken, and that's an ugly thing to face.
I feel like I have yet to, nor will I ever, become. Something. Anything.
There can be no amount of love or tea or friendship or gentleness towards oneself that will fill that hole inside, the one shaped in my father's silhouette. Blackened.
I know these feelings will go away.
But I also know they will come back.
It's that last bit that's the worst.
“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.” Rainer Maria Rilke
ReplyDeleteI know it's never exactly the same, but I have felt this way. I was going to offer some other kind of placating sentence, but sometimes it's better to just sit and feel the same way with someone. I'll think of you today!
So sweet of you, Sarah. Thank you for thinking of me! Sometimes that makes a world a difference. I've always liked that Rilke quote--one of the most difficult things in the world is trying to sit with your pain or discomfort... I have to work on that patience part.
DeleteI have felt the same way, especially when something triggers a memory and it seems like you're hobbled back into victim mode, after you thought you'd come so far.
ReplyDeleteEven after being broken into a million pieces, you can rebuild yourself into something better.
Much love to you.
The hardest part is a reminder that triggers the pain, when you thought you had come so far. Despite being broken into a million pieces, you then have the power to rebuild yourself into whatever you want to be.
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you,
Lisa
Thank you for the sweet words and encouragement, Lisa. You're most definitely right. There's always an option to reassess and rebuild.
Delete