Above all, we cannot afford not to live in the present. He is blessed over all mortals who loses no moment of the passing life in remembering the past... he has got up early and kept up early, and to be where he is is to be in season, in the foremost rank of time.
from Walking
Are your thoughts in season? What an interesting way of looking at things. 90% of the time, my thoughts are not; they're dragged along from seasons long past or plucked from an unknowable season ahead. And that truly is a source of suffering.
Similarly, I met a new doctor last week who said something I had to write down as soon as the words escaped her lips so that they couldn't slip past my memory: The only reason to to go back into your past is to make better your present. There's no value in going on an archeological dig.
Now, I'm not against introspection (obviously), but that really struck something inside of me. For those of us who look back and see a vast ugliness, or even those who see a sea of lovely with one shipwrecked shell of an ugliness obstructing their view, those words ring true. There's no value in going on an archeological dig if the result is to uncover and ruminate on pain. It only brings that pain back in season, and that's not where it belongs.
I cannot know the whys of what happened in my past. I have to stop comparing my life to others and thinking I must have done something wrong in order to deserve what I've got settled deep down, covered by layers of seasons since. Maybe I can just let those things rest there, without constantly trying to pull them back to the surface. Maybe I can, bit by bit, learn to keep my mind in season.
Wise words for a Monday morning. I am so guilty of dwelling on things I did years ago that made me less than a wonderful person. It's easy to get caught up in it and worry, "Shit, maybe I still am that crappy person deep down." But I try to remember to give my past self a break. She was young! She was selfish, yes, but not a terrible human being! She grew up! And she's still not perfect. All of these things are okay.
ReplyDeleteOh man, I hear you. Past Lauren has done so many cringe-worthy things that I need to stop looking back on!
DeleteThis is so something I need to remember. On the one hand, I think it's important to learn from our mistakes, but that being said, there is very little to be gained from "going on an archeological dig", like you said. I love that term!
ReplyDeleteAnd I love Cassie's ^ comment about giving your past self a break. I am also way to harsh on my past self.
It seems like a lot of us do this... I wonder why. I'm hard enough on myself in the present, shouldn't that be enough?! Damn you, critical inner voices!
DeleteI've always had this same thought, only in my head it reads "if you go looking for trouble, you are bound to find it"...all too appropriate when it comes to past hurts. Leaving the past hurts behind is something I struggle with daily, trying to understand what I did to make people hurt me, when I need to accept there was something wrong with them and move on. This week, I will work more on keeping my thoughts "in season".
ReplyDelete"trying to understand what I did to make people hurt me"
DeleteWhy is it that that's always the natural inclination? I feel like natural instinct should be "what's wrong with YOU for hurting me?" but it seems like I've learned to do just the opposite!
Wise words. I love to journal, but staying mired in the negative makes reflection an unproductive exercise. It can be difficult but I always try to reframe for the positive when looking at the past.
ReplyDeleteSmart, but difficult, no?
Delete